Dealing with Unmet Expectations in Marriage: Practical Tips to Build a Stronger Connection
Alex and Taylor were both my course mates back in college. They bonded over shared dreams, and quickly fell in love. They tied the knot, after a whirlwind romance believing their love could overcome any obstacle. But as the honeymoon phase faded, they began to notice small things that didn’t align with their expectations: how they split household chores, how they spent weekends, even how often they text each other. Both began feeling a little more misunderstood and a little more disappointed. I remember having a conversation with Taylor and hearing her asking, “Did I marry the right person?”
Research shows that almost every couple faces challenges with unmet expectations at some point in their marriage. While this can lead to conflict, it also presents an opportunity to strengthen the relationship by realigning expectations, improving communication, and setting healthy, realistic goals for a long-lasting partnership.
Understanding Expectations in Marriage
Every person brings certain assumptions, hopes, and values into their marriage. Often, these expectations form unconsciously, based on family upbringing, personal experiences, and cultural norms. According to psychologist Dr. John Gottman, unmet expectations are one of the primary causes of disappointment and frustration in marriage. His research indicates that the early years of marriage are especially important for addressing expectations, as couples who proactively communicate and compromise report higher relationship satisfaction over time.
A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy reported that approximately 45% of married couples experience ongoing frustration due to unrealistic expectations, which can gradually erode trust and affection. By recognizing where expectations come from and exploring ways to manage them, couples can foster a stronger, healthier relationship that honors both partners’ individuality.
Why Do Expectations Often Go Unmet?
- Unspoken Assumptions: Many couples hold assumptions about marriage roles, affection, and responsibilities without discussing them openly. Relationship therapist Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, emphasizes that misunderstandings arise when partners don’t clearly communicate their needs. For instance, if one partner expresses love through acts of service and the other prefers verbal affirmation, unmet expectations around “showing love” can easily occur.
- Social Influences and Cultural Norms: Cultural and societal norms can also shape people’s beliefs about marriage, influencing how they believe they should act or how their partner should respond. While one partner may expect a 50/50 split of household chores, the other may assume certain tasks are traditionally gendered, which can lead to unspoken resentment.
- Idealized Views of Marriage: Movies, television, and social media tend to romanticize relationships, creating a one-sided picture of a “perfect marriage.” In her research, psychologist Dr. Terri Orbuch notes that these views often overlook the everyday efforts that real-life marriages require, leading people to feel that their relationship doesn’t measure up to idealized standards.
Practical Tips for Dealing with Unmet Expectations in Marriage
Navigating unmet expectations requires intentional effort, but with patience and open communication, it’s possible to create a fulfilling partnership. Below are practical tips to help you and your spouse understand each other’s needs and work together on a foundation of trust.
1. Start with Self-Reflection
Before approaching your partner about unmet expectations, take time for self-reflection. Ask yourself if your expectations are realistic and if they serve to strengthen your relationship or add unnecessary pressure. Relationship coach Esther Perel emphasizes that self-awareness can help partners distinguish between true needs and desires that may stem from outside influences. Reflecting on your expectations allows you to approach the conversation with clarity and respect.
2. Prioritize Open Communication
According to research published in the Journal of Family Psychology, couples who communicate openly about their expectations and feelings report higher relationship satisfaction. Open communication involves actively listening to each other and expressing needs without assigning blame. A helpful approach is to use “I feel” statements, which allow you to share your feelings without making your partner feel defensive. For example, instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” try expressing, “I feel overwhelmed with household tasks and would love your support.”
Regular check-ins can be an effective way to maintain open communication. Setting aside a specific time each week to discuss what’s working and what could improve allows both partners to express their needs in a safe space, reducing the likelihood of bottled-up resentment.
3. Set Realistic, Shared Goals
A healthy marriage thrives on teamwork, and setting realistic goals together can strengthen your partnership. These goals don’t have to be monumental. Small goals, like committing to a weekly date night or dividing chores equitably, can help both partners feel more appreciated and connected. Research from the American Psychological Association highlights that couples who work toward common goals experience deeper emotional intimacy and greater satisfaction in their marriage.
4. Practice Patience and Empathy
Growth in a marriage takes time, and expecting instant change can lead to more frustration. Practicing empathy—placing yourself in your partner’s shoes—can foster mutual respect and understanding. For instance, if your partner is overwhelmed at work and not as attentive as you’d like, try to understand their perspective rather than immediately feeling neglected. Patience and empathy help build trust and create a safe environment where both partners feel valued.
5. Create Your Own Traditions
A unique aspect of marriage is the opportunity to create new traditions that are meaningful to both of you. Shared rituals or special routines, like a weekly game night, Sunday morning coffee ritual, or yearly staycation, can help anchor your relationship in joyful shared memories. Studies have shown that couples who create and maintain rituals report greater connection and resilience during challenging times.
6. Learn to Compromise
In marriage, compromise is essential. It means finding the middle ground where both partners’ needs are met, even if it requires some adjustment. This doesn’t mean one person sacrifices their happiness but that both partners work toward solutions that respect their individual needs. Whether it’s finding a compromise on household chores or managing finances, compromise reinforces mutual respect and understanding.
7. Seek Professional Help When Needed
Some unmet expectations require more than self-reflection and communication. Marriage counselors and therapists are trained to guide couples through difficult issues and teach them how to navigate differences constructively. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy reports that 93% of couples who sought therapy felt it helped them improve communication, resolve conflict, and build healthier dynamics.
Therapy offers a safe environment where both partners can voice their feelings, explore underlying issues, and develop effective problem-solving strategies. Working with a therapist can empower couples to grow closer and understand each other’s needs in a deeper, more meaningful way.
The Role of Flexibility in Marriage
Flexibility is often the cornerstone of a successful marriage. Being able to adapt and grow together as a couple allows for a resilient relationship that can withstand life’s changes. A study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that couples who showed flexibility and adaptability in handling differences reported higher overall satisfaction in their relationship. When couples are flexible, they’re able to embrace change without resentment, supporting each other’s growth and happiness.
Adapting to each other’s changing needs is crucial, especially as personal goals and interests evolve. Flexibility allows for honest communication, where both partners can discuss how they can support each other without feeling bound to static expectations. This approach encourages mutual growth and fosters a stronger, happier relationship.
When Expectations Become Deal breakers
Not all expectations can, or should, be compromised. Some expectations form the foundation of a healthy relationship, such as trust, respect, and loyalty. If certain unmet expectations are causing significant emotional or mental distress, it may be time to reassess the relationship or seek professional guidance. Knowing when to set boundaries and when to compromise is essential for maintaining a relationship that honors both partners’ well-being.
It’s important to remember that not every expectation can be adjusted to meet someone else’s standards, nor should it be. When certain expectations become a source of ongoing distress, it’s essential to evaluate their impact and decide whether a resolution is possible.
Conclusion
Dealing with unmet expectations in marriage requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to adapt. By setting realistic goals, practicing open communication, and seeking compromise, you and your partner can foster a relationship built on trust and resilience. Remember, marriage is a journey of personal and shared growth, and unmet expectations are simply opportunities to deepen your bond and learn from one another.
Marriage may not always meet the idealized standards set by movies or social media, but with dedication and love, couples can build a unique, fulfilling partnership that honors both their individual and shared dreams.
As you continue this journey, embrace each challenge as a chance to better understand each other, grow together, and create a relationship that celebrates who you are—both individually and as a team.
References:
LPAmerican Psychological Association. (2020). Couples and Common Goals: Enhancing Emotional Intimacy Through Shared Aspirations.
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. (2021). The Effectiveness of Marriage Therapy: Key Findings from Recent Studies.
Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. (2015). Flexibility and Satisfaction in Marital Relationships: A Longitudinal Study.
