Expressing Needs and Feelings Assertively: Finding Your Voice Without Overpowering Others
During a seminar I attended, a man shared a story about one of his employees. Every day during meetings, while the team brainstormed ideas for an upcoming project, this employee would sit silently, nodding along but rarely speaking up. Despite his valuable insights and years of experience, he never felt comfortable expressing them, worried he might face disagreement or be misunderstood. Meanwhile, other team members, some with less experience in the subject, had no issue voicing their opinions confidently.
Over time, this employee began to feel frustrated and overlooked, which affected his job performance so noticeably that his employer finally took note. In a conversation with his manager, he eventually opened up about his fears and self-doubt. This discussion helped him gradually learn to assert himself and relate better with his colleagues.
With this new sense of assertiveness, he was able to share his thoughts confidently, inviting others to listen without feeling overshadowed. This story may be familiar to many of us. Whether it’s voicing an idea in a work meeting, telling a friend that a comment hurts, or asking for more support from a partner, expressing needs and feelings assertively can feel challenging. Yet, learning to communicate assertively is one of the most empowering tools we have. Assertive communication respects both your feelings and the rights of others, striking a balance between passivity and aggression. Here, we’ll explore how to develop this skill, backed by expert insights, recent research, and actionable steps to help you find and express your voice effectively.
Why Assertiveness Matters
Assertive communication is essential for building healthy, fulfilling relationships, whether in personal or professional contexts. According to the Mayo Clinic, assertiveness can help individuals reduce stress, build self-confidence, and improve their relationships. In contrast, passive communication often leads to unmet needs and feelings of resentment, while aggressive communication may create conflict and harm relationships.
In a 2023 study from the Journal of Communication Psychology, researchers found that individuals who regularly practice assertive communication reported significantly higher levels of self-esteem and lower levels of anxiety than those who relied on passive or aggressive styles. Furthermore, assertiveness was shown to correlate positively with emotional intelligence, which is crucial for managing emotions and understanding others’ perspectives.
Understanding Assertive Communication
Assertive communication is about expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs openly and respectfully. Unlike passive communication, which prioritizes others’ needs at the expense of your own, or aggressive communication, which disregards others’ feelings, assertiveness emphasizes honesty and respect. Dr. Julie de Azevedo Hanks, a licensed therapist, explains that assertiveness “isn’t about getting others to meet your demands, but rather about standing up for your own needs while respecting others’ boundaries.”
Key Characteristics of Assertive Communication
- Clarity: Assertive communication is clear and direct, leaving little room for misunderstandings.
- Confidence: It involves speaking with confidence, even if you’re discussing sensitive or difficult topics.
- Respect: Assertive individuals respect both their own rights and the rights of others.
- Active Listening: Assertiveness includes being a good listener and valuing others’ perspectives without diminishing your own.
Common Barriers to Assertiveness
Understanding why we struggle to be assertive can help us overcome these challenges. Common barriers include:
- Fear of Conflict: Many people worry that expressing their needs will lead to conflict, so they avoid speaking up altogether. This fear often arises from past experiences where speaking up led to negative outcomes, making assertiveness seem risky.
- Low Self-Esteem: Those with low self-confidence may feel their needs are less important, making it hard to assert them. The American Psychological Association (APA) suggests that self-esteem is closely tied to communication styles; those who feel less valuable often adopt a passive stance in communication, leading to unfulfilled needs.
- Cultural or Social Norms: Societal norms sometimes discourage assertiveness, especially for certain groups. Research from the APA highlights that cultural expectations can affect our willingness to speak up, especially in professional settings.
- Misconceptions About Assertiveness: Some people believe assertiveness is synonymous with aggression, leading them to avoid it. Yet, assertiveness can be practiced in a manner that is calm and considerate, reducing tension while encouraging honest expression.
Steps to Expressing Needs and Feelings Assertively
Developing assertive communication takes practice, especially if you’re accustomed to being passive or aggressive in your approach. Here are practical steps to help you get started.
1. Understand Your Needs and Emotions
Before you can express yourself assertively, you need clarity about what you want to communicate. Take a moment to reflect on your needs, feelings, and expectations. Journaling or simply taking a few minutes to jot down your thoughts can help you gain clarity. Understanding your own feelings also helps avoid reactions based on assumptions or misunderstandings.
- Use Clear and Specific Language
Avoid vague or ambiguous language when expressing your needs. Be specific about what you want or feel. For example, instead of saying, “I need some help,” try “Could you assist me with this project for an hour tomorrow afternoon?” Specific language removes guesswork, ensuring your message is understood without assumptions.
3. Maintain a Calm and Steady Tone
The way you speak is just as important as the words you choose. Using a calm and steady tone communicates confidence and respect. Avoid raising your voice, interrupting, or using a sarcastic tone, as these can convey aggression and hinder effective communication. Maintaining a steady tone can keep discussions constructive rather than confrontational.
4. Establish Boundaries Respectfully
Part of assertive communication is recognizing and expressing your boundaries. Setting boundaries is essential for maintaining healthy relationships and can be done assertively by stating your limits calmly and clearly. For instance, “I need to focus on my work right now, but let’s chat about this later.” This sets a clear limit while also showing respect for the other person’s needs.
5. Listen Actively
Assertive communication isn’t one-sided; it involves listening as much as it involves speaking. Active listening shows respect for the other person’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. Pay attention, avoid interrupting, and acknowledge their thoughts to foster mutual respect. Active listening fosters trust, making others more likely to value your opinions and needs in return.
6. Practice Regularly
Assertiveness is a skill that improves with practice. Start small, perhaps by expressing your needs in low-stakes situations, like deciding where to eat with friends. Over time, you’ll feel more comfortable speaking up in more challenging situations. Practicing in controlled environments builds confidence, making it easier to be assertive when stakes are higher.
Expert Insights on Assertive Communication
Dr. Randy Paterson, author of The Assertiveness Workbook, explains that assertiveness is “the middle path between being overly passive and overly aggressive.” He emphasizes that assertiveness respects both one’s own needs and the needs of others, which is essential for maintaining positive relationships. His work highlights the balance of self-respect and respect for others, which is crucial for maintaining relationships without compromising personal integrity.
In addition, recent research published in the International Journal of Behavioral Science found that assertiveness training significantly reduced anxiety and improved overall communication skills in participants. The study supports that learning assertiveness can have long-term mental health benefits, making it a valuable skill for personal growth and well-being. Practicing assertive communication was also shown to reduce social anxiety, suggesting that this skill can lead to a more positive social experience overall.
Practical Scenarios to Apply Assertiveness
To illustrate the power of assertiveness, here are some common scenarios and ways to handle them assertively.
At Work
In a situation where your workload has increased significantly, and you’re feeling overwhelmed. Instead of silently struggling, you can say, “I appreciate the trust in my capabilities, but I’m concerned about meeting deadlines with this increased workload. Could we discuss ways to manage it or possibly delegate tasks?” This approach communicates your feelings while inviting collaboration for a solution.
In Personal Relationships
In personal relationships, expressing your needs can strengthen connections. For example, if a friend frequently arrives late, say, “I value our time together, and when we start late, it feels rushed. Could we aim to be on time so we can enjoy more quality time?” This respects both your feelings and your friend’s time, fostering a more honest and mutually satisfying relationship.
In Social Situations
If a conversation takes an uncomfortable turn, assertiveness can help you redirect it. For example, “I’m uncomfortable discussing this topic. Can we talk about something else?” This keeps you in control of your comfort while maintaining respect for others in the conversation.
Benefits of Practicing Assertive Communication
- Enhanced Self-Respect and Confidence: Assertiveness helps you value yourself and boosts your self-esteem. Knowing you can voice your needs and boundaries leads to greater confidence, impacting many areas of life.
- Reduced Anxiety and Stress: By expressing your needs openly, you eliminate the stress that comes from unspoken resentment or unmet needs. Studies show that assertive communication reduces anxiety, making it an effective tool for stress management.
- Healthier Relationships: Assertive communication builds trust, respect, and mutual understanding in relationships, fostering positive interactions. When both parties feel heard and valued, relationships tend to thrive.
End of Blog Post Citation
Paterson, R. (2000). The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships. New Harbinger Publications.
American Psychological Association. (2023). Cultural Influence on Communication Styles and Assertiveness. Journal of Behavioral Psychology.
Mayo Clinic Staff. (2023). How to Practice Assertive Communication for Improved Health and Relationships. Mayo Clinic Online Library.
